SENT: Jun 6, 2023

Dad,

First of all, I have kept many of my feelings bottled up throughout my entire life, trying to be the good girl and just put up with things and push them down. For the most part, I have not spoken about the ways I have been hurting because I have always been able to feel how much you are suffering, and I didn't want to burden you more with how I felt or make you feel bad. Instead, I just worked on shapeshifting myself and my needs until my body said no more. It's time for me to share how I've been feeling and not hold it inside anymore.

I'm just going to type whatever comes out and not edit myself, it will probably be a lot and RAW as I am channeling my younger self, my inner child who is still very hurt and confused and needs you to know how she feels, and the pain I have presently been carrying for years—I fully anticipate you'll feel defensive and shut down (which is exactly why I usually don't share anything).

I'm asking that you TRY AND HOLD THESE FEELINGS AND HURTS WITH ME.

I just need you to know what I've been holding onto and how I've felt. I need it all to be known by you. I need it to not eat at me alive inside anymore, or for me to keep choosing to be a good girl who keeps the peace while it creates more pain in my body. I want us to both stop suffering, and I feel like that requires honesty.

—

I never felt like you were there for me emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. You were barely there physically. I needed someone to guide me, contain me, help me, cheer me on, and be there for me as I grew up. I always felt like I was in trouble FOR EXISTING. I always felt like I was blamed for things that weren't my fault. I always felt like [my sister] was prioritized over me. I never felt like you were there for me. You were just there. I never really saw you laugh or let go. I never saw you at ease. I always felt your anger, frustration, and resentment. Every time I hug you, your body feels stiff and tight from what I can only imagine is a lifetime of bracing.

I wish you had gone to therapy and had help to work through things.

As a kid, I internalized your anger and fear inside of me and decided I was the problem, and I am still working through that to this day. I felt unlovable and unwanted my entire life. Never once did I really feel you were proud of me or cheering me on. I never felt like I could measure up, or win, or be celebrated. I never felt like I could crack the right combination to be seen by you. I watched your other kids want nothing to do with you, and I tried so hard not to be like them because I know that must hurt you, but it's like you leave us no choice.

"Don't think I don't love you" rings in my ears for all eternity, because OF COURSE, I FEEL THAT WAY.

I NEEDED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, SUPPORT, AND PRAISE.

I NEEDED TO FEEL LIKE I BELONGED.

I NEEDED TO BE ABLE TO RELAX. I NEEDED TO FEEL LIKE I COULD TRUST LIFE.

I NEEDED TO FEEL LIKE I EXISTED IN YOUR EYES. 

I NEEDED MORE JOY AND PLAY. I NEEDED MORE EASE. I HAD SO MUCH FEAR OF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I MESSED UP. YOU TAUGHT ME I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE A MESS OR PLAY. I STILL DON’T TAKE MANY CHANCES OR RISKS. I FEAR PUNISHMENT AROUND EVERY CORNER BECAUSE OF HOW YOU CHOSE TO SHOW UP.

YOU TAUGHT ME TO BE PERFECT OR ELSE. 

YOU TAUGHT ME THE WORLD WAS NOT A SAFE PLACE. 

YOU TAUGHT ME THROUGH ANGER, SCARCITY, AND FEAR. 

I NEEDED TO NOT BE THE MEDIATOR BETWEEN YOU AND MOM. I NEEDED TO NOT BE THE THERAPIST, THE PARENT, OR THE ONE WHO HAD TO PUT IN ALL THE EFFORT TO HAVE A SLIVER OF A RELATIONSHIP.

I STILL NEED TO FEEL LIKE I AM WORTH THE EFFORT, AND THAT I CAN BE VALIDATED AND SEEN AND LOVED AND PRIORITIZED. I NEVER FELT PRIORITIZED OR VALIDATED. I SEARCHED FOR WHAT WAS MISSING FROM YOU IN SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE. I FELT EMPTY WITHOUT YOUR PRESENCE, VALIDATION, AND INTEREST IN ME.

I NEEDED TO FEEL SEEN AND LOVED AND WANTED. NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED OR HOW GOOD MY GRADES WERE OR HOW MUCH I MADE OR WHATEVER, IT NEVER WAS GOOD ENOUGH, OR IT MADE ME SPOILED (NO ONE WANTS SOMETHING SPOILED).

I NEVER FELT LIKE YOU CONNECTED WITH ME. YOU JUST JUDGED ME. JUST POINTED OUT WHAT I WAS DOING WRONG. TRIED TO FIX ME.

I WANTED YOU TO SIT WITH ME, GET ON MY LEVEL, AND HELP ME. NOURISH ME. BUILD ME UP. HELP ME HAVE HIGH SELF-ESTEEM AND CONFIDENCE.

I FELT SO ALONE. SEPARATE. UNWANTED. UNSAFE.

I HAVE FELT COMPLETELY ABANDONED. ABANDONED IN CHILDHOOD, ABANDONED NOW. IN MY WINS, AND IN MY PAIN.

I ALWAYS FELT LIKE YOU WERE MAD AT ME, OR HATED ME, OR DIDN'T LOVE ME. I FELT LIKE IT WAS UP TO ME TO BRING EVERYONE BACK TOGETHER AND SAVE THE FAMILY (REMEMBER WHEN I MADE YOU THAT BOOK AND GOT EVERYONE TO DONATE TO YOUR SHED, THINGS LIKE THAT, I FELT LIKE THAT WAS ALL ON ME TO MAKE YOU HAPPY) IF I COULD JUST MAKE YOU HAPPY THEN YOU WOULD LOVE ME. IF I COULD JUST MAKE YOU HAPPY, YOU WOULDN'T BE SO HARD TO CONNECT WITH. IT WAS SO MUCH FOR A LITTLE GIRL TO TAKE ON AND HOLD FOR YEARS AND YEARS. YOU CONSCIOUSLY OR UNCONSCIOUSLY PUT A LOT OF THINGS ON ME. I FELT JUDGED, CONTROLLED, AND CRITICIZED. 

ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE LOVED BY YOU, AND I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I DID WRONG OR WHY YOU WOULDN'T LOVE ME. I FEEL LIKE YOU USED TO LOVE ME AND THEN THINGS CHANGED AND YOU COULDN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE.

I FELT LIKE EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT OR A COMPETITION. IT FELT LIKE YOU HAD TO MAKE A CHOICE BETWEEN ME AND MOM. IF YOU LOVED ME (OR YOUR OTHER KIDS), SHE WOULD BE MAD.

I HAVE SPENT YEARS IN THERAPY TRYING TO HEAL THE HURT AND PAIN AROUND ALL OF THIS. I'VE SPENT SIX YEARS TRYING TO HEAL THE PAIN IN MY BODY THAT I KNOW IS PARTLY CONNECTED TO THIS.

[My sister] GOT MOM, AND YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE ME.

[My sister] STILL TAKES AND I ASK FOR NOTHING. I SACRIFICE. I GO WITHOUT. I DON'T WANT TO TAKE, BUT THAT MEANS I GET NOTHING. SHE GETS EVERYTHING. YOU ALLOW IT. 

I resent being called spoiled when I have worked my ass off for everything I have. Fathers are supposed to PROTECT their daughters. I spent my entire childhood afraid of you and your anger. I have blocked out YEARS of memory because I had to survive.

You have 4 children who don't have much to do with you. YOU are the common denominator.

IT WAS YOUR JOB TO CREATE A CONNECTION WITH YOUR CHILD. YOU WERE THE PARENT. IT WASN'T MY JOB TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO CONNECT WITH YOU AND THEN FAIL MISERABLY AND BLAME MYSELF AND MAKE IT MEAN SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH ME TO SURVIVE. 

IF YOU DIDN'T PROTECT ME, IT WAS YOUR JOB TO REPAIR IT.

I have been in constant physical pain for almost 6 years (FOR OVER TWO OF THOSE YEARS I BARELY COULD LEAVE MY BED AND I THOUGHT ABOUT DYING EVERY SINGLE DAY JUST TO GET OUT OF THE PAIN) and you have never called me or come to see me or asked me if I needed anything and before that, I processed my divorce and everything that came with that alone.

A HEALTHY, GOOD FATHER WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HIS DAUGHTER. 

YOU NEVER EVER ASK ME HOW I AM.

YOU ASK ME ABOUT WORK. "HOW'S WORK?" IS NOT ASKING ME HOW I AM. I AM NOT MY JOB. I AM A PERSON. ASK "HOW ARE YOU, WHAT ARE YOU GOING THROUGH? HOW CAN I HELP YOU? WHAT DO YOU NEED? WHAT CAN WE DO TOGETHER? HOW CAN I KNOW YOU BETTER?" YOU DON'T CONNECT WITH ME. I GET A STUPID EMAIL ON A HOLIDAY (THE CLASSIC BOX CHECK). 

I AM TIRED OF FEELING LIKE I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING ALONE AND ALWAYS FEELING COMPLETELY TAKEN FOR GRANTED, UNSUPPORTED, UNDESERVING, AND UNSEEN. I'M TIRED OF YOU KNOWING THAT MOM JUST "DOESN'T GET ME" AND YOU DON’T WANT TO GET ME.

I NEEDED A DAD WHO WAS A PROTECTOR. 

I NEEDED A DAD WHO DIDN’T ACT DIFFERENTLY IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE AND WAS SOMEONE DIFFERENT AT HOME. It was so confusing to feel like people outside the home got a different version of you. It felt like you smiled and performed for the outside world, and zoned out in front of the TV at home. 

I NEEDED SOMEONE TO BE ON MY SIDE. I needed to feel that you were on my side. I needed you not to expect me to put in all the effort for a relationship.

I NEEDED YOU TO BE A SOLID FOUNDATION FOR ME, AND YOU WERE NOT. 

I needed you to comfort me, be there for me. I needed you to not sweep things under the rug and go on as if nothing happened. THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I HAVE NOT CALLED OUT OR SPOKEN UP ABOUT, BUT I KNOW I FELT THEM ALL.

YOU ARE THE PARENT. I NEEDED YOU TO BE LESS FLACCID. I NEEDED YOU TO STOP THE CHAOS.

I NEEDED YOU AND MOM TO BE A TEAM AND WORK TOGETHER AND NOT CREATE DIVISION AND MAKE IT FEEL LIKE WE HAD TO PICK SIDES. I NEEDED YOU TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH A PARTNER, NOT ENDURE TO THE END.

I NEEDED YOU TO CHOOSE ME. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU LOVE ME WHEN YOU TELL ME BECAUSE I DON'T/CAN'T FEEL YOU. AND YOU DON'T SHOW IT. 

I NEEDED YOU TO BE GENEROUS AND GIVING AND NOT MAKE MY NEEDS AND DESIRES FEEL LIKE A BURDEN.

I NEEDED YOU TO INVEST IN ME. I NEEDED TO KNOW MY WORTH FROM YOUR REFLECTION AND ACTIONS.

I NEEDED YOU TO LEAD BY EXAMPLE AND NOT ALLOW MOM TO TREAT ME SO DIFFERENTLY.

I ALWAYS FELT LIKE MY SISTER GOT MORE, AND I COULDN'T ASK FOR WHAT I NEEDED OR WANTED BECAUSE SHE HAD ALREADY TAKEN SO MUCH. IT FEELS LIKE THERE IS CONCRETE EVIDENCE EVERYWHERE I LOOK THAT WE ARE TREATED DIFFERENTLY. I DESERVE HELP, TOO. I DESERVE TO RECEIVE, TOO. 

I ALWAYS FELT LIKE I NEEDED A COURT-TIGHT ARGUMENT TO PRESENT TO YOU AS IF YOU WERE A JUDGE AND I HAD A CASE TO WIN IN ORDER TO GET MY NEEDS MET. I never felt like I could just ask you for what I needed or wanted, especially when it came to money. I never felt like I was worth your time or resources. That money was always more important than I was.

I NEEDED YOU TO NOT GIVE THE SILENT TREATMENT OR THROW TEMPER TANTRUMS AND CHOOSE NOT TO COMMUNICATE OR ACTUALLY WORK THROUGH CONFLICTS. I NEEDED YOU TO BE AN EXAMPLE OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION AND A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. 

I NEEDED YOU TO BE HEALTHY EMOTIONALLY. I NEEDED YOU TO EMOTIONALLY REGULATE YOURSELF.

YOU ALLOWED A LOT OF THINGS TO HAPPEN THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN NIPPED IN THE BUD. I NEEDED YOU TO SHARE YOUR PROCESS. I NEEDED TO LEARN MORE THAN PAIN THROUGH YOU.

I NEEDED YOU TO BE RESPONSIBLE, RELIABLE, AND STEADY. I NEEDED YOU TO TAKE ACTION.

I NEEDED TO KNOW YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME, NO MATTER WHAT I DID OR DIDN'T DO. 

I NEEDED YOU TO BELIEVE ME.

I NEEDED YOU TO LEARN ABOUT MY UNIQUENESS AND MY GIFTS AND MY SPECIALNESS. I WASN’T AN EXTENSION OF YOU.

I NEEDED TO KNOW I COULD BE YOUR PRIORITY AND NOT A BURDEN. THAT YOU WANTED TO HAVE ME AS YOUR DAUGHTER. 

I NEEDED YOU TO TRUST ME AND HELP PREPARE ME FOR LIFE. I NEEDED YOU TO HEAL THE SCARCITY.

I NEEDED YOU TO SHOW ME, NOT TELL ME.

I NEEDED YOU TO TELL ME YOU WERE PROUD OF ME, NOT HAVE ME HEAR IT FROM OTHER PEOPLE. WHY COULDN'T YOU EVER SAY IT TO MY FACE? IT JUST MADE ME FEEL WORTHLESS.

I NEEDED AND STILL NEED TO BE SUPPORTED, CHECKED IN ON, CARED ABOUT, AND KNOWN.

I NEEDED YOU TO EXPLAIN TO ME AND HELP ME UNDERSTAND THINGS GROWING UP. I WANTED TO UNDERSTAND YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCE. I WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT WHAT YOU HAD BEEN THROUGH AND WHAT YOU EXPERIENCED.

I NEEDED A DAD WHO WANTED TO KNOW ME AND WHO WOULD LET ME KNOW HIM.

I NEEDED MORE LOVE FROM YOU, I NEEDED TO FEEL LOVED BY YOU. 

I NEEDED A DAD WHO WOULDN'T CAUSE A CHILD TO BE HYPER-VIGILANT AND NOT ALLOW HER TO BE A CHILD BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS FELT LIKE SHE WAS WALKING ON EGGSHELLS AND HAD TO READ MICRO EXPRESSIONS FROM HER DAD THAT COULD EXPLODE AT ANY TIME. 

I NEEDED A DAD WHO WOULD PRIORITIZE HIS OWN PERSONAL HEALING OF HIS PAST SO HE COULD BE PRESENT WITH HIS CHILD. 

I NEEDED YOU TO SHOW UP.

I NEEDED YOU TO BE IN YOUR POWER, TO BE PROTECTIVE, HELPFUL, LOVING, AWARE, AND GENEROUS. 

I NEEDED TO KNOW I COULD RECEIVE LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM YOU, BUT IT ALWAYS FELT LIKE CHRONICALLY HOPING TO DRINK FROM AN EMPTY WELL. 

THIS IS A BIG REASON WHY MY BODY IS IN PAIN, ALONG WITH THE SECRECY. I NEEDED SAFETY. I NEEDED TO NOT BRACE FOR IMPACT AND ALWAYS BE IN ANXIETY AND WORRIED AND NOT BE ABLE TO TRUST. I HAD TO BE VERY INDEPENDENT BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE FOR ME, AND I HAD TO DO IT ALL ALONE. 

YOU HURT ME. I NEED HONESTY. I NEED AN EXPLANATION AND AN APOLOGY. I HOPE YOU SEE THAT.

THERE IS A LOT OF PAIN, ANGER, SHAME, AND RESENTMENT I FEEL FROM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I HAD TO DO, BE, BECOME, HAVE—WHATEVER—TO BE ENOUGH FOR YOU AND FEELING LIKE YOU DIDN'T CONNECT TO ME OR ABANDONED ME. I HAVE BEEN GRIEVING MY WHOLE LIFE, AND IT'S FELT HEAVY AND HARD.

NO ONE CAN HAVE A ONE-ON-ONE CONVERSATION IN THIS FAMILY. IT'S ALL VERY CONTROLLED, VERY ENMESHED, VERY SURFACE, NO DEPTH. THERE IS SUCH A LACK OF TRUST WITHIN THE FAMILY SYSTEM. SECRECY. THERE IS PAIN. THERE IS SO MUCH DYSFUNCTION. 

IT FEELS LIKE NO ATTEMPTS FOR REPAIR OR CONNECTION ARE EVER MADE BY YOU. 

YOU DON'T PUT IN THE EFFORT TO FIX THINGS.

YOU LET THINGS ROT (GRUDGES). 

YOU WAIT FOR THE OTHER PERSON TO DO ALL THE WORK THAT YOU WOULDN'T DO AND WONDER WHY YOU CAN'T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT. 

SO THAT'S WHERE WE ARE—A DISCONNECTED, ENMESHED FAMILY SYSTEM WITH CONDITIONS AROUND LOVE. WHERE NO ONE REALLY KNOWS EACH OTHER—WHERE TONS OF TRAUMA, SECRETS, AND PAIN THAT NO ONE TALKS ABOUT EXIST AND CREATE CLUTTER AND CHAOS. 

I'M SORRY YOUR FIRST MARRIAGE/FAMILY DIDN'T WORK OUT. 

I'M SORRY IF WE WERE SECOND BEST. 

I'M SORRY YOU DON'T HAVE THE LIFE YOU WANTED. 

I'M SORRY MOM RUINED YOUR DREAMS WITH ALL THE CREDIT CARD DEBT. 

I'M SORRY WE DON'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP.

I'M SORRY YOUR HOUSE IS A MESS AND THAT YOU'RE STILL IN A HOUSE THAT IS TOO BIG FOR YOU TO TAKE CARE OF.

I'M SORRY YOU DIDN'T GET WHAT YOU NEEDED FROM YOUR OWN PARENTS OR SIBLINGS. 

I'M SORRY I COULDN'T FIX IT, BUT IT WASN'T MY JOB TO FIX IT. IT WASN'T MY JOB TO BE THE PARENT, IT WAS MY JOB TO BE THE CHILD.

I'M SORRY YOU CAN'T FORGIVE YOURSELF AND THAT YOU CHOOSE TO HOLD EVERYTHING INSIDE (I GET IT). TELL ME ABOUT IT.

I'M SORRY YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN SO HARD.

I WISH YOU WOULD CHOOSE TO WORK THROUGH YOUR OWN TRAUMA AND CHOOSE TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY. I WISH YOU WOULD GET A THERAPIST OR FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO. 

I wish you would process your own trauma and unprocessed emotions that control your life and blind you to the present moment. 

I wish you would make an effort. 

I wish you would stop complaining about it and change it. 

I wish you wouldn’t waste the time you have left or spend that time in hurt and pain. 

I wish you would open your heart and your mind. 

I wish you would soften. 

I wish you would be accountable and choose to heal. 

I wish you would apologize and change.

I WISH YOU WOULD OPEN UP.

AT SOME POINT YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THE PART THAT YOU PLAY IN YOUR OWN SUFFERING, FOR ME, THAT WAS GIVING UP THE CHRONIC HOPE OF WANTING THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT AND TRYING SO HARD TO BE PERFECT OR WORTHY AND CONSTANTLY ABANDONING MYSELF BECAUSE I COULD NOT INSPIRE YOU TO CHANGE OR MAKE AN IMPACT. I FELT LIKE NOTHING I DID COULD AFFECT YOU. I FEEL LIKE IT WAS ALL WASTED EFFORT, AND I WAS TIRED OF HURTING AND FOCUSING ON IT. 

I TOOK SPACE AFTER SPEAKING ABOUT MY NEED FOR A RELATIONSHIP TO BE 50/50 IN EFFORT, AND BASICALLY, I REALIZED THAT IF I DIDN'T PUT IN 100%, THERE WAS ZERO RELATIONSHIP. THAT IS NOT FAIR.

I CHOOSE ME NOW.

IT'S BEEN REALLY, REALLY HARD FOR ME NOT TO RECEIVE THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, PRAISE, AND SUPPORT I NEEDED FROM A FATHER—TO NOT FEEL CHOSEN OR SPECIAL OR VALIDATED AND PROTECTED. 

I NEEDED YOU TO CREATE SAFETY FOR ME AT A YOUNG AGE AND BE STABLE AND STEADY. 

I NEEDED YOU TO KNOW AND SEE ME. 

I NEEDED YOU TO BE LOVING, WARM, AND GENEROUS.

I NEEDED YOU TO TELL ME I WAS ENOUGH AND SHOW ME YOU LOVED ME, AND MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL AND WORTHY. 

I NEEDED YOU TO HELP CULTIVATE MY SELF-ESTEEM AND CONFIDENCE. 

I NEEDED TO NOT FEEL LIKE I HAD TO FIGURE OUT THE MAGIC COMBINATION TO BE LOVED BY YOU. I SHOULDN'T HAVE FELT LIKE I WAS BROKEN OR BAD.

I NEEDED TO NOT FEEL BROKEN OR DEFECTIVE. TRYING AND BEGGING PEOPLE TO LOVE ME AND TRY TO FILL THE VOID YOU CREATED. 

I NEEDED YOU TO HELP ME SHINE BRIGHT AND KNOW I WAS SPECIAL AND HAD SOMETHING TO OFFER. 

I NEEDED YOU TO BE ACCOUNTABLE, APOLOGIZE, AND LEAD BY EXAMPLE.

I NEEDED YOU TO BUILD ME UP. 

I NEEDED YOU TO STOP BEING SO CO-DEPENDENT AND BE SOLID. I NEEDED YOU TO HAVE A BACKBONE. 

I NEEDED TO BE ABLE TO FEEL YOU AND CONNECT WITH YOU.

I NEEDED YOUR SUPPORT IN LIFE. I NEEDED TO BE CELEBRATED, SUPPORTED, BAILED OUT, LIFTED UP, AND FOR YOU TO BE MY SOFT PLACE TO LAND. 

I NEEDED TO BE ABLE TO RELY ON YOU MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY, AND EMOTIONALLY. I NEEDED TO KNOW YOU WOULD MOVE MOUNTAINS FOR ME. 

I NEEDED YOU TO BE EMOTIONALLY MATURE AND SELF-AWARE. AND REPAIR THINGS AFTER RUPTURES.

I NEEDED YOU TO BE A HEALTHY, MASCULINE PRESENCE AND EXAMPLE. I NEEDED YOU TO SET THE TONE FOR MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN. I NEEDED YOU TO BE—AT MINIMUM—THE BASELINE OF WHAT I DESERVED AND SOUGHT OUT.

I NEEDED YOU NOT TO PHYSICALLY HURT ME.

I NEEDED A PRESENT DAD. I WANTED TO BE DADDY'S GIRL. I NEEDED TO FEEL VALIDATED BY YOU.

WHY DID I HAVE TO QUESTION MY WHOLE LIFE IF YOU LOVED ME?

I NEEDED MORE THAN AN EMAIL ON A HOLIDAY OR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.

IT'S BEEN REALLY HARD TO FEEL AND HOLD THIS LIFETIME OF PAIN ALONE THAT I'VE SHARED WITH YOU IN THIS EMAIL, AND I HOPE YOU WILL HOLD IT WITH ME SO WE CAN HEAL. 

Sara